I was talking with a client of mine recently about how our children seem to change right before our very eyes. Yes, they grow taller, their sweet faces change almost overnight when they lose their first tooth, but we were particularly discussing their emotional and behavioral changes. Just when we think that our “parent of the year award” will arrive at our doorstep at any moment, they go changing on us. Back to the “drawing board” we go trying to understand and respond to a new set of challenges and of course enjoy the joys of a new developmental stage. So what’s the secret to facing these challenges with our best parenting gear and strategies ready to go at a moment’s notice? CONSISTENCY! Yes, it’s that easy and yes, it’s that challenging.
You know those days that you are so exhausted, overwhelmed or stressed and it seems easier to just “give in,” “throw in the towel,” and tell yourself that “This one time won’t really matter if I don’t keep my word.” Well, it does matter. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but each time we show our children that we don’t always mean what we say, we are reinforcing undesirable behavior. Children of any age learn quickly that if today is a “yes” and tomorrow is a “maybe,” then chances are there is a high probability that “no,” doesn’t really mean no.
When we are not at our best, it may seem easier in the moment to relax on previous expectations, especially when it requires energy on our part to ensure. What in fact we are doing is making parenting more difficult on ourselves. Each time we change an expectation, a rule, or decide not to follow-through on something we have said to our children, we are creating a continuous cycle that often involves not listening aka defiance.. In some situations, this inconsistency can be the very thing that triggers a highly emotional reaction that could have been prevented.
As we develop consistent parenting practices, children will learn to expect the same outcome dependent on the situation. For example, when your child whines to stay up just 10 more minutes or begs for that 4th glass of water and you respond in the same loving, but firm way each time, they will eventually stop negotiating at bedtime. The good news is that consistency can be relearned and corrected. Relearning may take some time and each child has a unique timeline for eventually getting to a point when they know what to expect will always be the same.
So how do we actually put this into practice when we have stressors of daily life competing for our wellness? Here are some tips to help get back on the road to consistency and peace:
- Create a plan and prioritize…decide the top 2-3 things you are going to focus on first.
- Talk about your goals with your child when you are relaxed. Be specific. Use the “When/Then” principle. “When you get ready for bed the first time I tell you, then you can choose a book to read.” If they are unable to achieve the desired behavior, remove shame, guilt, and anger from the interaction by simply stating they can try again tomorrow.
- Create structure & routines. Children thrive on knowing what to expect.
- Be aware of your moods and the moods of your child. If you notice that the “meltdown” is on its way, act quickly.
“You got this!”